<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>BLOG: What I Choose to Be by ginacarra21</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696332">BLOG: What I Choose to Be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginacarra21/pseuds/ginacarra21'>ginacarra21</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2019-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:16:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginacarra21/pseuds/ginacarra21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A place for honesty, fears, and inspirations. The information an author wants to share that only a few readers actually want to see.</p><p>"I am not what you think of me, I am simply what I choose to be."</p><p>aka...this is my blog lmao. it will mainly be very informal and occasionally kinda artsy. or...anything else i feel like putting here :D</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Waves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>rated teen for all the cursing i do i guess a;lskdfjaslkfjds</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p>I can't really quantify the anxiety and terror I put myself through while I tried to decide which project to use as my first publication. That was definitely my biggest hurdle. I had so many projects that I worked on and edited to get ready for publication, and then slammed the door on them because they weren't RIGHT. I kept going back to the idea of a series of short stories, but then it became a matter of WHICH short stories. Did they need to be new? Did form matter? Which topic did I want to write on? Was there a recurring theme?<br/>
<br/>
What I Choose to Be ended up as a loose autobiography of sorts. I took an acting class my first year of college and I'll always remember my teacher, Alexis, telling us the key to acting is to express the "truth in the moment." While writing fantasy and fictional stories may not come off as biographical, the emotions, the ideas...<br/>
<br/>
That's all real. I never talked to an ex-girlfriend on the beach with a narrow viewpoint of the pain I experienced, but when I sat down to write the 'what if?' scenario, I threaded honesty into each word.<br/>
<br/>
The honesty involved in writing is my steadiest motivation. If I wrote to create a perfect story, I'd have given up a decade ago. I'm not very interested in crafting the perfect story. I'd never finish anything if that was my goal.<br/>
<br/>
Each story in WICTB involves scenarios I've never been in, but I expressed my honesty in each one. Only the poems are true non-fiction which is why I included the dates I wrote them.<br/>
<br/>
Sitting in the aftermath of publishing that much honesty is very quiet. I didn't expect anything otherwise, not really, but it's a different kind of quiet than before publishing. Before, the quiet was due to the walls I locked myself behind. My heartbeat echoed loudly in there, but other than that it was quiet.<br/>
<br/>
Now I've broken down the walls and my writing is out there for anyone to see. Yet it's still quiet. It's a calm sort of quiet now. A meadow, maybe a lake with still water. There's sunlight, but no sound. It's a happier quiet and that was really my goal with this first book. I didn't need a waterfall or a stampede to follow its publication. I'm very happy with my meadow and unmoving water.<br/>
<br/>
This kind of silence is what I needed for what comes next. Longer stories, higher risk, more readers. That's what I'm reaching for and to get there I'll have to leave the meadow. For now I'll enjoy it, but I've always loved the ocean. It's a long journey from here to there.<br/>
<br/>
I wonder how long I have to walk until I start to hear the waves.</p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Red, White & Royal Blue & Other things too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>disclaimer if youre reading this a few years after i published it, a few of my ideas and opinions have changed since i wrote this! for example, i no longer think im not cut out for activism because i learned that what i thought activism was isnt the ONLY way to take part in change. ive found a lot of activism methods that work incredibly well for me that i'm actively participating in now!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy"><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Do you ever read a book that makes you want to read SO MANY MORE BOOKS?</span>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="q2uC4">
<p></p><div class="IoEY5 IoEY5">
<p></p><div class="image-container LPH2h">
<p></p><div class=""><p>
            
          </p></div></div></div></div><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr"><span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Yes, this is that book for me right now. And no, this isn't a shameless plug. I just really enjoyed this book. I was shocked by it, in a lot of ways.</span> </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've been struggling to finish a lot of fantasy books lately and it took me a while to realize what exactly it was that was bothering me. After the third unfinished book, I figured out what they had in common. They were all worlds with sexism and men that were predatory. They glorified the idea of a strong female lead, as if that was the solution to men being terrible. The gender roles were very clearly defined and it just felt outdated. I didn't enjoy reading about women who had to become strong to defend themselves. That's every day for me. It's not interesting or entertaining to read about. The beautiful worlds, or interesting ideas about magic couldn't save these books for me. I'm tired of reading about problematic men.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And in walks Red, White &amp; Royal Blue: an ode to non-problematic men. A gay couple without stereotypical gendered roles where one of them is soft and fragile and 'feminine'? Check. A slow-burn romance with heavy emphasis on building a meaningful and healthy friendship first? Check. Characters who all have causes they are passionate about fighting for, giving examples of real ways that we can stand up for ourselves and create change to make this world better instead of changing ourselves to deal with a terrible world? C H E C K.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">When I finished this book, I opened up Goodreads to write a review and got stuck because there was so much I wanted to say and I was still processing how much joy it gave me to know that THIS book was popular. </span>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="q2uC4">
<p></p><div class="image-container LPH2h">
<p></p><div class=""><p>
          
        </p></div><div class=""><p>Not only did it exist, a lot of people <em>loved</em> it. A lot of people are learning from it.</p></div></div></div><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It also brought me such extreme relief as a queer person to read a story about so many different queer experiences told so elegantly. I love how many queer characters we can find in popular media now, in tv shows and movies and books, but sometimes I worry about the story being told surrounding that character. I remember during a course on representation I took in college, we discussed Glee and how great it was for there to be queer representation, but showing Kurt being bullied and dealing with name calling and etc was just perpetuating the idea that this was how straight people should treat gay people and gay people have to learn to live with it. (Specifically the first season! This is just an example. I have nothing against Glee. It was just a topic to discuss in class haha) It's the same problem I have with these fantasy YA stories where women are supposed to be strong because of predatory men. </span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm excited and ready for a new world of diverse stories that aren't based on tragedy. That's what Red, White &amp; Royal Blue means to me. It's hope that this new era might actually be starting. So many <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.ginacarra.com/blog/search/.hash.ownvoices">#OwnVoices</a> stories are popping up and being <em>heard</em>. It's a ridiculously exciting time.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Now to jump back to that opening sentence of this blog after I went on my rant of why I loved this book, RWRB makes me want to read so many more new books. I work at a book store now, so I've started categorizing books based on how we'd shelve them there. As soon as I closed RWRB I already started making a short TBR list based on things I wanted to know more about.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">1. LGBTQ studies</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">2. Immigrant/Texas politics</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">3. The royal family?? (Honestly, still haven't decided if I want to read a biography or just catch up on The Crown fjasldf)</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">4. Literary letters</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">5. Poetry (by queer authors)</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr"> </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">1. I know about my own journey about being a white, queer woman in the early 2000s, but I have a lot to learn about other people's stories. I love talking to other queer people about their perspectives and opinions on labels, or queer books, etc. Something I never learned about and was never really taught is queer history. So I'll be diving into that section soon to pick out a book. I've had my eye on "<a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10065595-a-queer-history-of-the-united-states"><span class="u">A Queer History of the United States</span></a>" as a starting point.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">2. I'm scared of this idea, I'll be honest as;ldfkjasl;dfkjasf I'm sure there's a book out there that I can read that won't be too overwhelming or polarized. Politics are intimidating. My brief dive into activism in LA showed me that I'm so poorly cut out for what's needed to really advocate for change in the political world, so I'm trying to channel that energy into writing. Start with the heart. Focus on empathy. It's a slower version of activism, but hopefully still impactful. I do think it's important to understand what's going on around me because <em>spoiler alert</em> these policies are affecting people's lives. Change has to start somewhere and the least I can do is pay attention.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Since she was just selected as Time 2019 Person of the Year, I'll try to check out "<a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/48188086-no-one-is-too-small-to-make-a-difference"><span class="u">No one is Too Small to Make a Difference</span></a>"</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">3. ???? I feel like so many movies and tv shows exist that I'm not drawn to any particular book on this subject adsl;fkjasdflkasd but I'll keep an eye out.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">4. Letters!!!! I LOVE reading old letters. Our book store has a little section all just for literary letters. I don't have a particular title in mind, but reading the snippets of old letters in RWRB really rekindled my love of looking up old letters. It somehow never occurred to me that I could find a book that compiled them.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">5. Poetry, hm. I've been seeing a lot of people purchasing poetry by Mary Oliver. I also wanted to look through some of James Baldwin's poetry. I, in general, want to be reading a lot more poetry. Dickenson too. And find a way to watch the show!</span>
  </p><p> </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That paragraph on activism really took a lot out of me so I will wrap up this post now. It's long, but I had a LOT of feelings after reading RWRB and this is almost all of them. Almost.</span>
  </p><p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Thanks for reading &lt;3</span>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="q2uC4"><p><br/></p></div>
<p></p><div class="lulo"><p>♡ ♡ ♡</p><p>
        
      </p></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 2019 Writing, a year in review</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">EDIT: Wow I am so sorry this ended up being so long and deeply personal.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This is gonna be hard to write so bear with me. It's been a complicated year. I published two books this year. TWO. I just realized that today. I've felt so unproductive, but I published two books. It's strange how my mind has lied to me. There's more I could say to intro this but I'm just gonna dive in.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">January</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">the month before public scrutiny</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Notice in the background, the google doc titled Magic lmao. That was the first draft of this story and I wrote it in January to publish in what I suppose I can call my "chapbook"</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This was the start of me trying to figure out who I want to be to the world. I knew my family <em>and</em> friends <em>and</em> internet friends would be the ones reading this. I also knew that potentially, people would come back to this one day in the future. I tried to cover my bases. This short was my way of acknowledging my Catholic family members. I never lost respect for religion when it stopped being a comfort to me. I remember how it felt to be faithful, but I can't recover my own faith. I wanted this short to be a kind of ode to believing in things you can't see and how magic and faith have a lot of overlap.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That being said...</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">February</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">deciding who to be</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I had a real book to hold in my hands.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'd printed hard copies of my fics before, but this was the first time I had something I was legally allowed to sell and call my own. The cover is a bad quality photo because it's cropped in from a high quality photo, but once I found it I knew that was the one. I went through my own old pictures for ages until I came across this one. It's a letter I sent to my friend, Pat, in Ireland. I really wax sealed it. It was incredibly difficult to aim the wax drips onto the crease of the paper. The picture had to have been taken in 2015, I think.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">But anyway, this is writing in review, not photography. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I languished over this first publication. I didn't even use a thesaurus for that word. Languish is the only way to describe how much this tortured me for months, years. I didn't know what I wanted my first published work to be. I started and scrapped so many projects. It was ultimately easiest to share a series of short stories and poems. They were easy to edit and quick to assemble (not as quick as I thought but in retrospect, <em>indescribably</em> easier than editing and assembling a novel). I wasn't ready to dive headfirst into LGBTQ fiction because I didn't know how my family would react. To jump back to what I started to say about January, this year was spent figuring out who I want to be to the world. The hardest part of that to me was how I want my family to see my place in the world.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That really shouldn't have been the hardest part, but it was. I'll say it again: languish.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm very comfortable with the people who follow me on Twitter and AO3. I'm very comfortable with my family. But I absolutely could not stand the idea of those two worlds meeting. I honestly still can't. It's really difficult because I have this desire to be open and honest with people I interact with, but the things I want to be open about are things I don't like my family seeing. I have a strange sense of privacy. I don't even want them to see this.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The biggest hurdle I have with accepting what I'd need to do to succeed is knowing that my family would have access to everything I do. So I still post videos on unlisted and have some social media accounts on private. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's funny because the biggest reason I don't like sharing things is that I don't like the first impression people would have, which is something that I could avoid by writing about a topic (re: "10+1 a cup of tea and a fic to binge"). I love writing because I get to make my point in a calm, controlled space. I can edit something that doesn't land right. I can't be interrupted. (I grew up being interrupted by my Italian family constantly. They always told me to just interrupt back. I did start to interrupt back and it's one of the worst habits I've developed in my life. I hate it.)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The author bio of this chapbook and the final chapter were my way of controlling the narrative. I think of it a lot as my Reynolds pamphlet. I wasn't sure if I was burying myself like Hamilton or saving myself. I'm still not sure what the result was.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Ultimately, I can't reread it without extreme embarrassment. I'm almost tempted to call it secondhand embarrassment because my ideas of who I want to be and how I want to present myself are so in flux that I don't think I relate to the person that wrote those things anymore. Maybe I'll eventually convince myself to go back and look again, but I'm perfectly happy calling it my first attempt at publishing and moving on. I needed something to be my <em>first</em> published project to take the pressure off.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I meet lots of aspiring authors/artists who are scared to publish or even share their work because they fear what they've created is imperfect. Everything I'll ever create will be imperfect but that's what art is. It's just an expression. Is my chapbook perfect? Absolutely not. Would I rewrite it if I could? No. It's what I chose to create at that point in my life and it exists as it is, as it was. It's what I chose to be (pun intended).</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">March</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">a fresh start with a dark past</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I really started working on ATTOD immediately after I published WICTB. Well, not immediately. I ran away to Tokyo right after I hit publish and stopped thinking about writing for two of the best weeks of my entire life.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Okay, that's not quite true either. I brought my laptop with me to Tokyo and wrote all morning in my hostel one day. But I wrote fanfic cause that's the easy, non-publishable, stress-free writing genre.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm pretty sure I've confirmed this somewhere, but yes ATTOD was originally a BTS fanfic. Ooooh. I'm so weird and gross. I write real person fic. People are quick to criticize me for a world they've never even given a chance to. It's exhausting. It terrifies to be open about, but here I am being open about it. First and foremost, any celebrity in the public eye has a <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Uy0opVF3s"><span class="u">persona</span></a> that they've created and maintained. Even if most of it is true to who they are, there are pieces of themselves that they exaggerate or hide when the cameras are on. I'm not even famous and I do this when I post on any platform. What I'm trying to say is, even if BTS are real people with real lives, when I write I treat them as fictional characters. I don't know them. I'll never know them and most importantly I have no interest in them seeing anything I make about them. They have inspiring personalities and provide me with an interesting character study. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Writing with real people as muses reminds me of an exercise we did in my Freshman acting class in college. Our teacher sent us to people watch and make note of how people carry themselves so we could create a character based off them and move differently than we naturally move ourselves. That's how I view RPF (real person fic). It's a character study that has helped me to deepen my character writing and add details that I wouldn't have thought to add in the past. It gives my original characters more dimension now than I used to give them before.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Yes, this whole little essay is extremely defensive. This topic t e r r i f i e s me so please allow me to Reynolds pamphlet yet again.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">April</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">back to my old ways</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">What a transition, let's jump right into fanfic.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">After writing so much original work, I retreated into safety. This was for a fic exchange with deadlines and a prompt to follow so it was structure I desperately needed.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">If you've ever wondered what makes fanfiction so tempting when "you could just write original stuff, why do you waste your time?" take a look at those statistics at the top of the screenshot. People actually read fanfiction. Those stats outrank my chapbook and my novel sales combined. <em>That's</em> why I keep going back. Writing takes a lot of emotional energy that I send out into the world. For my novel, I've given so much energy to it and maybe .02% of that energy I invested got returned to me with messages from one or two friends and a halfhearted review from a kindle reader. With fanfic, I don't worry so much about quality so my writing ends up being more raw and emotionally interesting. It also means there's much less energy and stress that I have to give to it (and 0 energy goes into promoting it) so I get back probably 80% of the energy I put into it. As an introvert, I horde my emotional energy so it's a much safer bet for me to spend on fanfic than original work.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">MAY</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">losing momentum</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The retreat from original work continues.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">At this point in the year, I was searching even more for a return on energy so I jumped back into Yoonmin, one of the most popular pairings in the fandom. I really wanted attention. I needed validation after a month of barely any sales and my first month of unemployment. More on that later. I didn't know what to expect from my chapbook. I was happy with the attention it received. There was even a Goodreads account who individually reviewed each work in the chapbook. Honestly, that review alone returned all of my invested energy back to me. Someone actually gave the book critical attention and told me how it made them feel. I was <em>revived</em>. And then the reviews stopped. So back into the fanfic cave I went.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">With my attention on what I considered to be a budding writing career, I was less and less authentic on AO3 and my readers knew it. I received less attention, less comments, less of everything. I kept trying to give them what they wanted, but what they had grown used to was my authenticity and that wasn't accessible to me in the headspace I was in. I wanted to be legitimate and it definitely came through that I didn't take fanfic seriously anymore. I wanted people to love my original work and just use the fanfic as a <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/album/2FTS6a6DLXMNp8flyA0HGO?highlight=spotify:track:0ffweDHrg4bZqdG4IfGYuo"><span class="u">pied piper</span></a> would. It didn't work.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">JUNE</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">a shaky success</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I stooped even lower.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Keep in mind, I was now unemployed. I had quit my job to "give myself a chance at a writing career." I was looking for literary agents to send my ATTOD query letters to. I needed 1: to focus on my novel and 2: income. So I started taking commissions. Even as I started doing it, I felt like such a fucking sellout. But it's what I needed at the time. I needed to be making money off of writing and original work wasn't cutting it so I turned, yet again, to fanfic.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I had finished my manuscript and knew I was in for a lot of rejection. I was braced for it and I knew all I could do was wait...and try to make money while I was waiting. I was in no way broke even with my bills and rent, but I felt incredible somehow. I was being paid to edit people's manuscripts, paid to write commissions, a few cents trickling in from my chapbook's ebook. I was a writer. I was struggling and losing money rapidly, but I was a writer.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">JULY</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i tried</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I actually started pondering original ideas again. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Something clicked. I can't remember exactly. Maybe I had given up on the mediocre responses I was getting on AO3, or maybe I was just tired trying to shape characters into what readers expected them to be. Since you don't 'own' your characters on AO3, a lot of readers try to tell you you're writing them 'wrong.' Which is funny, because <em>they </em>don't own them either. And I had created my own versions of the characters that I was writing how I wanted. No right or wrong about it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I jumped into original work where no one could tell me I was writing them 'wrong.' I didn't even finish a whole idea, but I was brainstorming and digging through old projects and <em>trying</em>.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">AUGUST</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">the job hunt</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The queries I sent timed out. There was a specific day in August that I put on my calendar that meant every agent I sent ATTOD to didn't want to respond to me. They specify that if they don't respond in a certain amount of time, that they've passed on your project.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">So I took the creative part of me, that I had just let roam free for three months, and shoved it into the darkest corner of my mind. I started looking for secretary jobs, front desk jobs, anything I could qualify for. I also started dejectedly preparing to self publish my novel since no one else would. I had already admitted defeat and I hadn't even put my work into the world yet.</span>
  </p>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">September</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">a mixed bag</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I published my first full novel on a full moon on Friday the 13th. I had told myself this day would help on social media except I never got around to creating a marketing campaign around it so it did nothing for me ultimately.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That's kind of how the entire release of this novel went for me. I had a lot of ideas, but not enough time or energy or money to execute them.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">People told me they were proud: I published a novel. And I wanted to sincerely thank them, but all I had done was push a button. It didn't feel like an accomplishment. I started posting everywhere, messaging bookstagram accounts, trying to promote myself. It was a black hole.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I spent the entire second half of September begging people to spend money on me. I felt horrible. It felt wrong. I hated it. I share art so people can enjoy it. You should never force people to enjoy art. That's what success in this industry required me to do, so I tried it. Part of my soul died with every attempt.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The nail in the coffin was my lease ending and I had to move in with my parents, no job or apartment lead in sight.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">October</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">organized chaos</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I tried to give myself structure, a path to success. But I was so fried and hopeless. Everything I needed to do to succeed involved spending more money. I was supposed to be active, a welcoming presence on my social media pages. But I was still terrified of being honest to a mass audience (<em>am</em> still terrified). So I charted out a plan that I wasn't able to follow because I was on my parents' schedule, going to family dinners with no warning. Halfway through the month, I started a new job at a book store and moved back to Austin with two strangers.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It was a bizarre month.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I celebrated my birthday at a board game bar with my rock climbing friends and one of my roommates. I didn't feel much like celebrating, but I forced myself to plan something and I had fun for a night. I had a space of my own and some form of steady income. It was a small relief. The job was temporary and the pay was...minimal. But I had a job and a place to live. So I could breathe again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I was also working at a <em>bookstore.</em> I was actually excited about it. I told myself it was like a publishing internship. I had a lot to learn so I dove in eagerly.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">November</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">stability</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Whether it was the steady income, or a structured schedule, I started writing again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I stopped pushing sales for my novel and focused on being happy and living my life. I met my best friend Tati in person for the first time at an anime convention in Atlanta, I went to Disney World with my family. I had to work so I didn't get to go home for Thanksgiving, but I <em>did</em> get leftovers delivered to me by my sister. My bank account was going up instead of down.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Things finally felt right again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Most importantly, the end of November marked my first paycheck from Amazon for my book sales. It takes 3 months to process. I was looking forward to it so desperately. Half because: a paycheck for my novel sales! And half because: fuck did I need that boost in my bank account.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I remember getting the paycheck and it having practically no impact on my income. I had invested in a Goodreads giveaway and the price to participate almost equaled the paycheck. As quick as it had come, it was gone. It was a hit but I took it in stride as best as I could.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I focused on my job and other monetary opportunities. So much of 2019 was filled with me being forced to think about money. It occupies about 90% of your brain to know you need to be careful with your money. It's arrogant, and makes me guilty to think about, but I had gotten obsessed with the idea of my career taking off to the point where money never had to be a factor again. Which is never true. Money is always a factor with the way things are. And a lot of people will never achieve the luxury of not thinking about money. I wanted writing to bring me that luxury and that's what sent my creative energy into a slump. I couldn't stop seeing it was a form of revenue. Losing that paycheck so quickly was a blessing and a curse.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's like I was spending blood money or something. It was gone. I had a job and an income and I could go back to writing for free. I still wanted a new publishing deal, but I no longer had to think of the money attached to that potential in the same way I did when I was unemployed.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">My new novel that I had started bragging about, CFL (now DABH), stopped being so hard to write. With a deep breath, I just asked myself what I <em>wanted</em> to be writing about and suddenly it was so easy.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I rewrote it.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">December</span>
  </h2>
  <h2 class="blog-post-header-two-font blog-post-header-two-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">the blog</span>
  </h2>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I don't know why it took me so long to realize I needed to focus my energy on my website, but as soon as I did...</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Having unorganized artworks is like having a tub of blocks. You dump it out to play with them and they're scattered across the floor. You stare at them like they're gonna do something on their own, but ultimately all they've done is create a minefield for you to try to get through any time you want to use one of them for something. You still have blocks, so many blocks! But they're an obstacle more than anything. My website was me building a tower with those blocks. I finally had something I created this year that I was calm and proud of.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I thrive in a digital landscape because it's what I'm used to. I love AO3 as a platform, but it's very limiting since there are so many rules due to it being a non-profit organization. My site freed me, especially my blog. Obviously. I'm here right now, posting to my blog again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm still figuring out exactly how to use its maximum potential, but the fact that I can send someone <em>one</em> link and they can see everything I want them to see, WHAT A RELIEF.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's so ridiculous that it took me so long to use. As I researched other authors and read articles about self publishing, almost everything advised me to build a website. I don't even know why I was so against it. I was so convinced social media made more sense. Why??? I don't know??? I don't remember my logic at all. But that's the past. Now, I have a site and a blog and ideas for what to do with it all!</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">H O P E</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've found hope. FINALLY. At the end of 2019, I've grasped onto something that will set the tone for the new year. Viewing my writing as a source of income destroyed me for a year and I don't plan to let that happen again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I met the writer of <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37534577-check-please-book-1"><span class="u">Check, Please!</span></a> (Ngozi Ukazu) at the bookstore I work out. She's a BTS fan. She saw my Chimmy t-shirt at the register and yelled, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE ARMY" as she unzipped her jacket and showed me her own BTS tour shirt.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">For some reason, that changed my life.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Her published graphic novel started out as free content on Tumblr. She was part of the BTS fandom. She was standing in the bookstore I worked at, signing copies of her book that people were buying even though they could read it for free online, and she had a book deal for a sequel coming out next year.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It all clicked.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I was chasing a dream I didn't want. Yes, I want a book deal. But I can't stand the idea of forcing people to consume my art for a price.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The difficult part about that is, well, income. Giving art away for free, when I want to write full time, pretty much guarantees that I will never be able to write full time. That was the dream. Working from home. Setting my own schedule. Having people look forward to my work without me begging for attention.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Now...</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's a flimsy dream to think that I could cross post my work online for free and get a book deal as well, while keeping a steady income with a job at a bookstore. My best bet with that format would be working part time at the bookstore and hoping the sales keep coming in somehow.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Like I said, a flimsy dream. But there's something to it. That's not exactly how I want my future to look, but there are pieces that feel right. I just have to keep working at it. It's a block of marble that I have to keep chiseling away at, but at least I finally have that block of marble. No one has the exact career I want, but Ngozi is close. It's funny how seeing someone else succeed will always give you immediate hope.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And that's what drew me to BTS in the first place. Let's take this full circle. They just wanted to make art. They somehow found a path to extreme success that no one could ever have predicted. They show that it's possible for anyone to find that one impossible path through the crowd.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I don't know if I'll find a path like that. I don't know if I <em>want</em> a path like that.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I just want to spend 2020 making art, making money (for the sake of stability), and being happy.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's funny to think I need to <em>focus</em> on being happy, but I do.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This post is much, much longer than I intended and much, much sadder than I intended.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I didn't realize how low I spent most of this year. I had convinced myself there were just as many highs, but looking back it was really mostly lows. Even the highs I should've had ended up feeling like failures. But that's the year I had. And it makes it <em>very</em> easy for next year to be better!</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I was supposed to talk about my writing, but I guess this is proof that my writing is really just a diary of my life. I don't write based on nothing. You're reading my truths when you read my fiction.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Anyway, let me end with a sales pitch xD Because I feel no guilt asking people to read my work for free. This blog will be updating very often from here on out. I WANT to post every Monday but my schedule will be changing soon. I have seven whole days left at my temporary position at the bookstore and I don't know yet whether they'll keep me on after that. So I can't make any promises until I find stability again.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Here's to 2020, a better year than last.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Thank you for every form of support you've showed me. They've made an impact even if you think they haven't. They've sustained me. So from the bottom of my restarting heart, thank you.</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. WICTB Book Birthday!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I am a couple of days late with this! D: woops</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">February 4th was the day I published my chapbook, What I Choose to Be. So it's been a full year since I've been published! As a celebration, BOTH of my ebooks are on sale until February 11th. [NOTE 1/11/21: neither of these are available on amazon anymore]</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm about to sort of redesign my blog in a way. That "DABH" tab is going to turn into a "Series" tab. I'll be making an index post for each ongoing series I'm working on and it'll link to each chapter. If you've seen some of the series I've started here, you'll see the previous and next buttons I put at the bottom of each post. So hopefully I've figured out a system that makes sense to you all to track my various stories. You can always comment on any post if you have any questions. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Don't forget that if you sign up with that button at the top right, you'll get email notifications every time I post something new! That's the best way not to miss anything.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm still adjusting to my new work schedule and trying to pick a good, regular update day. It's looking like it's gonna be Friday! I'll also occasionally have some posts going up on the BookPeople blog! Which I'm <em>incredibly</em> excited about. Here's my <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://bookpeopleblog.com/2020/01/30/teen-thursday-ginas-picks/"><span class="u">first post</span></a> there. Three of the authors I mentioned interacted with the post on Twitter so my heart sort of thump thump, ya know.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">You may have seen on Twitter that I'm currently brainstorming a short story series based on the BTS album "Wings." It's such an emotional and vague album (some more vague than others of course). It's really intriguing to think of it as a series of prompts. They express such strong emotions but the events are unclear so it lends itself to prompts well, I think! That's something to look forward to~</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Thanks for stopping by. See you around &lt;3</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And feel free to jump into the <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://discord.gg/mH6RAyZ"><span class="u">discord server</span></a>!</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Leap Day!...almost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Hi!</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I started getting a minute inkling of the idea to work on writing something today and the anxiety it gave me was overwhelming so let's just dive right into non-fiction.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I just finished Gideon the Ninth! It's been taking me a day or two to absorb a story enough to fully comment on it but wow! I really enjoyed it! What's lingering on my mind right now is the acknowledgements. The author used to write fanfiction! Ah, I feel validated. I think I needed that. Also, so many authors write with such unique and FREE styles. And third person! And no confusion with pronouns! So exciting. That's vague I guess. dl;kafjsdlkfas I've been discussing with people a lot that when there is a same-sex couple in novels, it seems like the trend is to cop out and write in first person to avoid pronoun confusion. Well, I don't ultimately know if that's why the writers of those novels chose first person but...that's my guess. It might've been pushed on them by publishers so who knows! And Gideon isn't a same-sex couple book. It's...just...two queer ladies fightin' side by side. I did get some heavy battle girlfriend vibes toward the end and it brought me much joy.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Banter. Battle girlfriends. Necromancy. It was truly a treat. A great time. I recommend it. I'm gonna snag the arc for the sequel from a coworker who has it and then we can both cry together as we wait for the third and final book.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm really glad I read it. It's a fucking fantastic reminder that I can really have fun and chill and write whatever the hell I want. Like do I need to edit it to death and morph a ridiculous idea into something ultimately fully formed and beautiful? Of course. But the first step is to have fun creating it. That's what I keep trying to remind myself of and it's been difficult.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I need to make dedicated writing time for myself. I'm working on it. Dedicated sleeping time has been a more pressing priority. I've been thinking back a lot about my old good habits and how I can bring them back. Exhibit A: When I was in high school, I was <em>obsessed</em> with editing my Fullmetal Alchemist/Soul Eater AMV into perfection, but I refused to let myself edit it until I finished my school work. I have <em>never</em> been more productive in my life. And I won the music video competition. And Matt Mercer was the MC and told me he really loved my video. Big win. Exhibit B: I had a normal eating and sleeping schedule my first year of college. I woke up without hitting snooze on my alarm. I didn't eat anything sweet or drink coffee. A true picture of health.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Where did those habits go? Buried in moving boxes, I guess. It's hard to hold onto habits when you move a lot. I've lost many other things in moves, but good habits are the ones I miss the most. I'll reform them eventually. It's slow progress but it's progress nonetheless. That's my new mantra. Well, not that exactly but. Moving forward slowly is still moving forward. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">(Huh. I really do always come back to that word, forward. I had a tattoo design for a while that was an arrow with the word forward but I decided against it. I could never settle on a tattoo idea. Maybe I really should go get that one one day. That's a future me decision xD)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This blog is a bit of a mess. I really am trying to update on Fridays, but my weeks haven't been very consistent so my energy definitely has not been reliable. Did you know reading takes much less emotional energy than writing? Fun fact.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">My point being xD I'm trying to be forgiving of myself because I really am doing my best. It sucks because I've had better bests, but my current best is all I've got right now. It's very hard not to hold myself to standards I can't currently reach.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Slow and steady, slow and steady.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">In the back of my head, I'm so sure getting some kind of detailed feedback on my writing is the push I need to focus, but I don't wanna rely on that. I need to find the drive and energy within myself but...man, it wouldn't hurt to borrow some. I know there are people out there who believe in my writing, I logically know that, but it's very, very easy to forget. Especially when my belief in my writing has been slipping so drastically lately. It's funny because if I wrote more, I'd get more feedback. Yet I feel like I need feedback to write more. So that's where I'm at, I guess.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've jotted down scribbles, I've reformed my Deconstruction Whatever I Keep Changing the Title To novel yet again. I keep pushing myself to write something outside of my style, outside of my scope, and I need to stop. I don't need to write someone else's story. I need to write <em>mine</em>. I need to have fun. I need to write a story I enjoy. That's all. That's the goal. If I enjoy it, other people will. I've learned that much from my time posting stuff online.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">To wrap up: read Gideon the Ninth and tell authors you love why you love them.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Did you know that you can comment on this? True story. Tell me what you're reading or what color you're wearing as you read this~</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. dream catching</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Hey everyone!</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Hope you're doing well. Everything is strange right now.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Amidst all the confusion, it's really exciting to see people embracing their time. My best friend sent me pictures of her painting yesterday. Like real painting, on a canvas. It made me so happy to see her having time to create. A lot of people are finding that silver lining, chasing dreams that they've been ignoring for much too long.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I just read "For Everyone" by Jason Reynolds and it was such a perfect thing to read right now. Right now being during this crisis, but also the right time in my life. I usually try to write up a good blurb of what I thought about a book for Goodreads and for my bookstore, but after I finished this one I went to Goodreads and typed in "I needed that." It was such a great reminder–as a dreamer–to be kind to yourself, to hear that voice in your head that tells you to give up and to accept it as part of the process. To keep going because as you chase your goal, your goal will change and evolve as you do and you may never reach your goal or you may realize you reached your goal a long time ago and now have a new one. But you should always keep dreaming.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've been crushing my own dreams a lot lately, questioning what success means. I've never had a super crisp, HD image of what a finish line looked like for my dreams. It's constantly changed. I remember, every step of the way, not knowing what my goal was but knowing what I wanted <em>right now</em>. I remember people starting to talk about their dream colleges. And I didn't have one. I never did. I didn't know what I wanted from college and I definitely didn't know what I wanted after college. I still don't, really. All I could figure out was that I wanted to go to art school. And that I felt so stupid for wanting that. I thought my family would tell me I was crazy. But they didn't. And I remember job hunting after college and cursing myself for not studying something more practical, wondering why my parents didn't force that on me, but I've never resented my studies. For a second, until I thanked myself for not repressing what drives me, I resented that I chose a difficult path. Not a path at all, really. It feels like I had stood at a crossroads, a dirt path and a paved road in front of me, and turned around.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I could never really figure out this impulse inside of me. I kept trying to stay true to myself but I had no idea what that meant or how to do it. As far as I could tell over the years, being true to myself meant making really illogical decisions that left me in unstable situations. Yet again, I've never resented those choices. I was, technically, being true to myself. I'm only just now <em>beginning</em> to understand what that means.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm an optimist because I'm a pessimist. I look at my life and the world around me through rose colored glasses because I know things could go wrong any second. As things often do. Ah, where did I hear this quote... I can't remember it verbatim but the gist is, "Knowing things could go wrong any second gives me hope because if things can go wrong so easily that means things could just as easily go right." My world view fluctuates between the two sides of that coin, so it's comforting to hold onto that coin in its entirety.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The point of that aside being that I'm always chasing happiness, now more than ever. I decided a few years ago that if no one can pin down the meaning of life, then the only meaning we can give it is to enjoy our lives. And I started making all my decisions based on that. There was a lot I loved about my life in Los Angeles, but I knew things had to change. So I changed them. I got a new job and I loved that for a while, but again something in me started to squirm. So I left. At this bookstore, something resonates in me. It doesn't feel like a place holder. It doesn't feel like my endgame either, but it's like with all these jobs I've been trying to get a clear picture of what I want, and being at the bookstore took the brightness and dragged it up. I need more adjustments until everything is clear and right, but it's the biggest breakthrough I've had in a while.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's also the first time in a while that I've felt continuity between my job and my free time. I'm not the type to earn my paycheck by day, then relax and have fun by night. The way my life had been, I was going to work during the day and then coming home and working on my real career at night. My real career being whatever creative dream I had at the moment. I'm always working and I like it that way, but I struggled giving my energy to jobs that weren't in sync with my dreams. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy them for whatever merits I found in them, I would just come home exhausted from forcing the square peg (me) into the round hole (a stable job with benefits).</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Now, I get to spend my entire day, my entire life, talking about stories.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It's strange that I didn't even fully have that experience at film school. So much of film school was about the shot, the lighting. All of that was important and lent to the story, but books really purify storytelling. It's just you and the words, the worlds.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Ultimately, I'm saying I captured my dream. I'm happy. But I've got some more dreams out there, hanging in the wind like kites. I've got the string held tight in my fist because I've learned by now that this wind inside of me–this inexplicable drive to tell stories that will connect with people–will never die down. No matter what medium I pursue.</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. "i'd be happy if you like it too, if you don't, that's okay"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">When it comes to making art, I've always been the type to focus on a project until it's done. Like full binge style. It bothers me to stop. But if I don't have that momentum built up, it's hard to start a project. And even harder to continue one I've already started. Growing up, I never had this problem. I was so used to not even understanding writer's block. It took me an embarrassingly long time to understand what changed.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I used to have a much healthier relationship with art than I do now. I made art to make art. That's it! And that's how it should be. Leaving college, the whole world pressures you into having purpose for everything you do. Suddenly, doing something for fun has to result in a quality product. It's no longer 'cute' to make something badly because you're not a child.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've spent the last year trying to hammer into myself the idea that I can make art without quality in mind. I always end up thinking about who will see it when it's done and what they'll think of it, which makes my art project cater to them instead of myself. It's left my art lacking, in my opinion. I look back on old projects and see these beautiful expressions of <em>myself. </em>My old works are so unique and filled with my personality. I'll stare at them and wonder how I lost that. Of course, I'll have an occasional stroke of inspiration and find that fire again, that freedom, but it never lasts long. I always worry about who is looking. I always cater to that outside perspective.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">A simple solution would be to <strong>not share my art</strong>. I know, trust me. I've told myself to make art for myself and not share it with anyone, but that goes against everything I feel as an artist. I've always shared my art. It's part of my art to share it and know how it feels for other people to interpret it. I don't feel done if I don't share it and...I kind of love that feeling of completion. I like that feeling that settles in your chest when you hit post and <em>ah, it's done</em>. That's one of my favorite feelings.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I think I've finally figured it out, though. I'll always be aware of the eyes on my work, so the solution isn't to ignore them. The solution is to show them <em>my</em> art, whether they understand it or not. I think the feeling of impending judgement will diminish if I really focus in on myself and what I'm creating. If I'm truly proud of what I've made, I won't care who sees it or what they think. Everyone could hate it and I'd just laugh and hold it close, because it's mine and I love it and I don't need anyone else to.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">...I've been thinking about that a lot lately, but it's always nice to have a thought and then hear that someone else feels exactly the same. I happened to watch this old live stream of Namjoon and Jimin (yes, from BTS) in which they discussed art and their perspectives on museums, interpreting art, their own creative process, etc. I <em>loved </em>every second. Every time I happen to find clips of Namjoon talking about art, I end up staring at the ceiling for thirty minutes afterwards, just thriving on all the ideas he spoke about and processing with this feeling of joy and empathy in my chest.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="q2uC4">
    <p></p>
    <div class="c-Mgr">
      <p></p>
      <div class="image-container LPH2h">
        <p></p>
        <div class="">
          <p>
            
          </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
        <div class="">
          <p> </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">(Source: <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.vlive.tv/video/133130">https://www.vlive.tv/video/133130</a>)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Namjoon said it better than me, but Jimin's expressions as he listened are very relatable ahaha.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I can try to remind myself of that epiphany, that I'll have more fun being true to myself, but it's always a more solid cornerstone to have a quote or something that I can reach for. So if you're having the same problem as me, take a break from forcing yourself to create and consume for a while. Whichever medium you choose, just listen to other people's ideas. (Be it an artist talking about their work or a work itself.) Find someone you can relate to. It's always been important to me as an artist to have artists that inspire me, somewhere to get inspiration from when I run out. Someone who reminds me that art has no rules, being unique and misunderstood are part of the process, and to have fun while I do it. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Find someone who reminds you that you're not in this alone, and not being alone is all the more reason to be completely true to yourself.</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 042920</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p></p>
  <div class="yF0IC">
    <p></p>
    <div class="post-content__body">
      <p></p>
      <div class="lV_uZ">
        <p></p>
        <div class="kcuBq blog-post-page-font uatYj">
          <p></p>
          <div class="kaqlz blog-post-page-font zJfAe">
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">April is ending and I'm definitely not gonna complete my Camp Nanowrimo goal. I don't know that I can even technically say I <em>started</em> my Camp Nanowrimo goal. I've hit a grand total of 734 words. My goal was 30k. Truly, all it did for me this month was make me feel guilty for not working on it.</span>
            </p>
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've been letting myself function on whims which has been pretty highly effective. I've not only written <em>something</em> everyday but I've been <em>desperate</em> to write every day. It's a nice feeling. I probably haven't felt so free to create since...college? Maybe? During film school. About five years ago. Because it's really been that long since college. Phew. How time flies.</span>
            </p>
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I've been kind of poking my toe in the water about different ways to create and I've been so nervous about each thing I try that I can't really call any of it a real try &gt;&lt; The idea of doing a podcast is sitting in the back of my mind but it seems silly to record on my phone when I have a nice microphone trapped in my parents' house where I can't get to it for a while.</span>
            </p>
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I don't have anything specific to say in this blog post. It's not as organized and poetic as the last one. I've been spending most of my time on AO3. I've reached a point with my novel where I'd rather be compensated with someone enjoying their time reading it than compensated with money. Maybe that will feel different when people actively want to spend money on my art, but right now it's a nice break to stop asking people to spend their hard earned money on something they may not like. Because I know my writing isn't for everyone. But I <em>know</em> there are people out there who will love it. I just need to find them. </span>
            </p>
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Follow me on <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/ginacarra21"><span class="u">goodreads </span></a>if you don't already! I want to see what everyone is reading! Send me recommendations! I've got a nice stack of LGBTQ+ advanced copies that I'm working my way through so I'll let you know what I think of those upcoming releases! I just got a copy of <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44286258-the-henna-wars?ac=1&amp;from_search=true&amp;qid=WdUjX7SA7T&amp;rank=1"><span class="u">The Henna Wars</span></a> in the mail today and the premise sounds INCREDIBLE.</span>
            </p>
            <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
              <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Thanks for reading &lt;3</span>
            </p>
          </div>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. songs that make me f***ing happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Hey lask;dfj;sdf</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">So I've been yelling in a thread on twitter about this playlist I made and I decided it would be best preserved in a blog post since I've been getting pretty emotional about EVERYTHING.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Firstly, April ended on a pretty sour note for me. My self confidence and optimism crashed harder than they have...probably since high school. Maybe even since middle school. (But that's a story for another blog post.) So April was rough and I'm pretty stubborn about stuff like that. It's counter intuitive. Being sad makes me mad. alskdjf;as It just feels like such wasted energy. I know the moment will pass but I also know it's important to let feelings happen. All of that on my mind, my next instinct was to make a playlist.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Why was that my first thought? I don't know. I make playlists so often. Making playlist feels like writing poems in a way and wow, did I write a lot of poems in middle school. (You can make the connection. I believe in you.) So my stubborn sadness decided: I need to make the f***ing happiest, most inspirational playlist I can imagine.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And so, my <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1cLZSXOA7FbdcBCu68ieqs?si=CKs0L-DWSn-NBPQ8eNYY5g"><span class="u">May: Love Yourself</span></a> playlist was born.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The feelings I focused on for the playlist were themes of self-love but also songs that inspire confidence. Songs that remind you to be true to yourself. Songs that beckon you to move forward. It's honestly a mess of a playlist. (I had a <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/2BXdDjt3w3lzKUZnsbg8Qs"><span class="u">solo piano piece</span></a> on the playlist for a day but when it came on on shuffle it killed the energy so fast I had to remove it, even though the way that song builds toward the end really affects me and it does fit the theme I was going for xD It's a masterpiece and I learned about it from an x-men first class fanfiction.)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I started out with kpop songs for two reasons. One, that's what I listen to and talk about the most when it comes to music. Two, BTS makes a lot of songs about being true to yourself and loving yourself. It's something that's starting to catch on with other artists, but when I think of Love Yourself anthems, I mean, I think of Love Yourself. It's the name of their album. It's not a far reach.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Then I dug through my multitude of other playlists for inspiration to find some of my favorite songs that maybe had fallen off my radar. Like Boogie Wonderland. I really can't explain why that's one of my favorite songs ever, but I <em>always</em> come back to it. It's just??? So??? fun??? I dunno. It makes me happy. It goes on the playlist.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Alright! Dramatic backstory: established.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Without further ado, here's the commentary from my thread.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/0pYacDCZuRhcrwGUA5nTBe?si=szXNRz1eTg6NEeH8Fg7n9g">
        <span class="u">eight(Prod.&amp;Feat. SUGA of BTS) | IU and SUGA</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">the bass at the beginning set the tone so well. their voices and styles blend so naturally </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr"> i can tell how much they enjoyed working on this. the song just feels so welcoming <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/IUxSUGA?src=hashtag_click">#IUxSUGA</a></span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/3cvGbWQhQ73AZjz1XOoOFA?si=LUPeXc2DTiyQMwEMtm1Okw">
        <span class="u">You Need Me, I Don't Need You - Live and in Session | Ed Sheeran</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">literally the way ed builds a loop live in studio/concert. it gives me such a high. i just stop what im doing when he gets to that new build up. every time. ugh. powerful.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/00emjlCv9azBN0fzuuyLqy?si=poXD8Lm8Q9iR1hynA_MTzA">
        <span class="u">Dumb Litty | KARD</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">lol do i even need to caption this one. i love kard with all my heart and this song was MONUMENTAL for them. like they said fuck what you think you know about us. and left everyone with their jaws on the floor</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/2qiXxFVCKydHiAqrqOv2tk?si=JPvwChogTJ-R-ZE0C2YQZA">
        <span class="u">Original | SMASH Cast</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">smash is one of...well a lot of shows that made me really think there was a space for me as a writer at a tv network. im not really sure where im at with that dream now. the music in that show was beyond anything i could've dreamed. i should really rewatch it</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/24nK8tW7Pt3Inh2utttuoG?si=p8mAetiTR8Or8Jn3-AjKhA">
        <span class="u">HIP | Mamamoo</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i could say this about every song on this playlist but like oof how not to dance. and i always just think about <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://youtu.be/KhTeiaCezwM?t=49"><span class="u">nana in the mv</span></a>. like they really had drag queens in their mv! i cry. it was so fucking amazing to see. it makes me so happy</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4ynNQBzSRFVRwJoMRZnpDo">
        <span class="u">Do My Thing | Estelle ft. Janelle Monae</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">"You dont know where I am going, and so you think I am lost </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I ain't on your page, OK so to you that means I'm off </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">When I dance, I dance to the beat of a drummer you don't hear and you can't see </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">So if I look off beat to you, well the problem must be you not me" </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">god that verse singlehandedly ended some of my panic attacks. thank u estelle and janelle.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4djczKSE0Kmrpsw8T9QuvC?si=3HCqcjzHTHiY0DRWVQIZfg">
        <span class="u">A Million Dreams | P!nk</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this song came into my life at a weird time... its the kind of song i used to drOWN myself in in high school and college. and then after...my relationship with dreaming shifted. listening to this makes me feel like a child...in a good way. its kind of a song i can only listen to when im in a good mood or it will upset me more. it depends how healthily i feel about having dreams or if ive taken a toxic turn. songs like this help bring me back to hope though.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/2SP0wcvO2yynEFNn37wPoc">
        <span class="u">Intro: Never Mind | BTS</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">fond sigh. oh yoongi*. its hard to know if i know english speaking artists who accomplish the same thing cause i cant know, but i often forget to look up lyrics to bts songs because i can FEEL the meaning so tangibly and i dont feel ive missed something.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">*kpop context: yoongi = suga and he wrote this song for bts</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1QWxddJmOhQb1vDdyTipMR?si=vWi-wU1USFCT4hNpjrYwNQ">
        <span class="u">Cypher 4 | BTS</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this song will always have a special place in my heart. this and lie were the songs that got me into bts. i remember just being so floored by the way you feel so compelled to sing along "I LOVE, I LOVE, I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE, I LOVE, I LOVE MYSELF. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW MYSELF." the way i immediately respected them as artists. they really made a song that made loving yourself a mantra for their fans. if you wanna sing along, you have to be kind to yourself. id never encountered anything like it before. i knew in an instant that they were unique. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">sighs dreamily</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">you guys. i really REALLY love music. like so fucking much. i really couldnt live without it. im so grateful i have music in my life.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/7b8WzWfJvPFa21Io7i6rdh?si=XPeEIC4lSUap5mFMcZ1pMg">
        <span class="u">Bad Girl Good Girl | Miss A</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this is actually one of the first kpop songs i ever heard. as a terrified queer girl in hs, this song gave me confidence in myself. just something about their energy really comforted me. also like: g a y. this mv is so hot. the girls. their outfits. 10/10</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">(do yourself a favor and <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TeeJvcBdLA"><span class="u">watch the MV</span></a>)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">if youre reading this thread for some reason, you can probably realize by now that pretty much every song i listen to is deeply important to me and has its own special place in my heart. ill say it again: I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6mb6lVLNrcUgLnEN8QnDJd?si=bxvf8SeIQ5e0Yp-fwiNiIw">
        <span class="u">How Far I'll Go | Auli'i Cravalho</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this song heals my soul. i cant explain how hard i cried all 3 times i saw this movie in theaters and every time i hear the song and every time i think about it and just oh my god. another piece of media that reminded me how i used to dream</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/3QjIdDDKoZRyfWDKZC4Ayb?si=MnrMrdUgSyCtuufYgltp6w">
        <span class="u">History Maker | Dean Fujioka</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">NO SHUT UP I FORGOT I PUT THIS SONG ON THIS PLAYLIST NO IM GONNA FUCKING CRY this song....how many times can i talk about songs that healed my perspective on dreams??? i think...i may have heard this one before a million dreams. ugh this SONG. its from the anime Yuri on Ice aka a queer masterpiece</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/7nkp1uuSbKkoxMvEs8cSw0?si=Qmd1jPEMTq6FL91OyFwqyQ">
        <span class="u">Shine | Pentagon</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">so i looked up the lyrics to this song like 2 days ago...ITS A SAD SONG??? BUT ITS THE HAPPIEST SOUND??? anyway i feel betrayed but also this song still makes me sO HAPPY. ITS SO HAPPY. i love pentagon so much.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6PurllVXXGL1s6UkLtzMVF?si=f2DqwKvwSJW8PKzseQB3PQ">
        <span class="u">Champion - Remix | Fall Out Boy, RM</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this was one of the first things bts dropped after i started following them. and i vividly remember sitting on the floor in front of my TV in LA listening and i was so shocked. i resonated so deeply with namjoons lyrics. i just sat there wide eyed and cried</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">"I'm just too young, don't know what to believe in But too young, you know, not to be living. I will stay, I will wait and I'll fight like a king. Even though I can forever ever be a king. I will marry this goddamn world, by my own And put on myself a goddamn ring" joon &lt;3</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/26EM9sZnQkLLQxixGd88KE?si=8zZG2ohISDaloV-qOIcKAw">
        <span class="u">I Am The Best | 2NE1</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">my og kpop hype song tbh. i aM THE BEST. also like. i regularly check the lyrics to remind myself they shout "BEAT" and not "BITCH" but im just so used to mishearing it as BITCH and it makes me laugh</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/3wljaQ1KBCAMnPxCPDEUsC?si=igBWsq2ISjScGucz8JWSoQ">
        <span class="u">FLOWER SHOWER | Hyuna</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">omg ok so this one inspires me in so many ways. hyunas first song after all the industry drama*. and it SUITS HER SO WELL. like she was always doing sexy concepts. and this one is such a great blend of sexy and confident and cute. she said f ur expectations</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">*kpop context: ...im actually not gonna explain that. its so complicated. basically, she was right. they were wrong.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6j6wUN8whCYTwxCg9R240U?si=5wKHbY-DTN29OYJx2Hl-hQ">
        <span class="u">Change Up - Seventeen</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">leaDER LINE*. svt said lets take all the most powerful people and give them a unit. i love this song. i love the video. i love the confidence it radiates.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">*kpop context: seventeen has three teams in their group: performance team, hip hop team, vocal team. each team has a leader. this song is the three leaders. aka powerful.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/40OyiVO9NtBg9R2Gpwxs3u?si=sFkxnbplQoqvN2WPwYrRVA">
        <span class="u">LION | (G)I-DLE</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">soyeons* voice is just...like the epitome of feminine STRENGTH and POWER. her tone is so incredible and unique. i love the way the song mixes in lion roars for that extra psychological/subconscious kick.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">*kpop context: shes the rapper~</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4eVkn18rN4GguUWOsR6Use?si=erdZTupoSdSJ6xoRVb8Pwg">
        <span class="u">Answer: Love Myself | BTS</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">ah the first song I added to the playlist. it took its time coming up on shuffle! im actually not as attached to this song as most of the others on this playlist a;lskfjasdlf its one of those songs that hits the hardest in context so i usually dont put it on playlists. jimins voice always makes me happier though when they have songs in light styles like this. his tone is so sweet and comforting. and of course "you show me i have reasons i should love myself" theyre back on that "haha we tricked you! if you sing along you have to be kind to yourself!" which i will always find cute</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/7zFBtYAVURF3bUVqEQ6UUu?si=DBluN48cRwCr1-PfXchVqw">
        <span class="u">ICY | ITZY</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6tCssnvTUREcperDOUTqvA?si=6TVCgSv8SFm2aSD7B98Xwg">
        <span class="u">Wannabe | ITZY</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm gonna put these together because I learned about them at the same time. ICY is about catching peoples attention for standing out by being yourself "they keep talkin, i keep walkin" i just started listening to ITZY like...last week asl;fkjsdf but i really like them already!</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6aDi4gOE2Cfc6ecynvP81R?si=is7IY4MRS-ecGycfMiCIaw">
        <span class="u">Born This Way | Lady Gaga</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">look...i had to. i dont think i need to explain this one.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4xKu6BJPrX2AXrxh54CT8p?si=lCsp7r-FQ6ePet2rVAeQIw">
        <span class="u">Express Yourself | Charles Wright &amp; The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">wow i never realized that was the full name of the group...</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i definitely learned about this song from the Mr. and Mrs. Smith soundtrack. what a great soundtrack. so many good ones. for probably over a decade now this song always shows up on any sort of happy vibe playlist i make</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">"Some people have everything, and other people don't.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">But everything don't mean a thing if it aint the thing you want."</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i love that</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1E1TQWUHGkV7bMLBN6fD1t?si=lLShP0WCRH6fw4-gZViATw">
        <span class="u">Interlude: Regular to Irregular | NCT</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">okay FIRST OF ALL. actually there are so many things i want to say first. everything about this song. just. UNDERRATED</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i love interludes. deeply. what a fANTASTIC transition from their slower songs to their more high energy songs?? i love songs that dont fit normal song patterns. im aware this is dramatic, but the first time i heard the 2:00 minute mark of this song i think my life changed.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">also!!! nct has so many foreign members (foreign here meaning: not korean) and they give jungwoo (korean) a korean verse! and then yuta (japanese) a japanese verse! winwin (chinese) a chinese verse! johnny (american) an english verse! i mean okay theyre like couplets rather than verses but STILL. FLJASDF JUST. LISTEN. listen. its so good. okay? i love how nct really cherishes their cultures and brings it into their music. theyre so proud of where they come from but also where they are, who they are, and who theyre with. what a cohesive, supportive group.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/5U7tpgpGPatDwrpUn5MuZg?si=5byxVUkpQsGWq1tSW60umw">
        <span class="u">Born Hater | Epik High </span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">ahahahahHhahahAHA so aggressive. i love epik high. "i hate my haters. obviously." there's so much. epik high has such incredible lyrics. i love clever word play in hip hop. epik high kills it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/7L8hkKW4hnemNfuOfEZcle?si=-r7El-CWQneVi6iLdizYJQ">
        <span class="u">Epiphany | BTS</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">oh the mood shift LOL</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">its tempting to think "ugh another love yourself song by bts" but...theyre truly all so vastly different. im so glad jin got a solo song like this. it showed off so much about him. his voice is really suited to these kinds of ballads, and he really got to dig into a song with emotional depth. seeing this live...i honestly dont remember if i cried but i would be willing to bet i did. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">this is a translation but</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">"I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I may not have that shy glow around me</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">But this is me</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul...</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I wanna love in this world</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Shining me, precious soul of mine</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I finally realized so I love me</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Not so perfect but so beautiful</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm the one I should love"</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">say what you want about BTS, but i always think of the preteens/teens who are hearing these kinds of lyrics. who look up to them and see this kind of self awareness and openness. how willing bts are to talk about the complicated emotions of youth. im so grateful bts exists for kids to look up to.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6ZnyE697krgz3JKSpoaQ4s?si=Jn_TmNyAQ729ccnCW7n-YA">
        <span class="u">I'm Alive | Becca</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">l;ksdafjasldf this was an ending song in the anime Black Butler. but wow THIS WAS SUCH A FORMATIVE SONG FOR ME. 2011. my junior year of high school. when i was starting to learn about the lgbtq community. singing this...was a mantra for me. this song reminded me to celebrate being alive, it still does. its strange how affecting it can be to just <em>hear those words</em>. to <em>say</em> those words. music is really powerful.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/0jyElqUm59deyol951jPsr">
        <span class="u">Boogie Wonderland | Earth, Wind &amp; Fire</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">OH LOL i never actually wrote about boogie wonderland.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">ill play you out on a high. i dont have much to say about this one. its just a bop. l;aksjasldfkjds</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">actually ive never payed much attention to the lyrics. lemme google and find a good quote</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">...hm. so. i cant find a quote i like enough to end on asdlfkjasdf</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">so i'll just say i <em>definitely</em> learned about this song through happy feet and i think a lot about that version. actually</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">secret bonus track:</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://open.spotify.com/track/40dVtzJ64B65gd8HMylU7o">
        <span class="u">Boogie Wonderland | Brittany Murphy</span>
      </a>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">i <em>love</em> how sensitive and fragile her voice is here. it's too catered to the movie to fit in a playlist aslfkjasf but pls its SO GOOD i love this version. (im realizing the spanish verse in this song probably normalized hearing spanish/foreign languages in popular movies/songs for me. i was 11 when this came out so. thats pretty cool to think about.) and this really ties back the love yourself thing. because thats what happy feet is about! a little loner penguin :( who likes to dance instead of singing. and gloria is like WAIT WE CAN DUET AND THIS WORKS SO WELL. AND THEY FIND OUT THAT WHAT THEY PERCEIVED AS HIS FLAW IS THIS INCREDIBLE TALENT THAT HE CAN SHARE WITH THE WORLD. AND THEN THEY ALL DANCE. its amazing. watch happy feet. mumble!!!!</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p> </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. reading rambles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I think calling them reviews would be a little inaccurate. So reading rambles.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Some books I finish and I know <em>immediately</em> what I want to say and how I want to say it. That happens maybe one in every ten books I read. So I figure, since reviewing is part of my job right now, I need a freer space to think about what I've just read, how I feel about it, and why I want other people to read it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Let's get started with the rambling as if I haven't already.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr"> </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <strong>The Extraordinaries by TJ Klune</strong>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I read this in order to have recent releases I could readily recommend during pride month. But I failed to realize the release date got pushed to July. So. Maybe I'm a <em>little</em> bitter about the order I've chosen to read for this <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.ginacarra.com/post/23-queer-unread-books-on-my-shelf"><span class="u">reading challenge</span></a> I've set upon. alskfj anyway.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I had a really fun time reading this book. It wasn't an exact style match for me, but I know so many people who would LOVE it. And I mean, I read it in one sitting. It's hilarious and compelling. The first page is formatted exactly like AO3 down to the font and every fandom nerd will yell just like I did about it. The tags. <em>The tags.</em> Peak niche comedy. I had the thought that Nick and Seth are a lot like Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji from the Untamed, as far as dynamics go. That could probably be a selling point for a lot of people ahahah. What I mean is, Nick is an idiot but you can do nothing but adore him and Seth is quietly brilliant and can't stop making heart eyes at Nick. So you see the similarity. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I both did and didn't expect the way this first installment ended. I kept thinking I figured it out and then doubting myself. I went back and forth a lot until the actual reveal xD I won't spoil it for you beyond that.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Man, I still don't know how to blurb this book in a way that I'd want my bookstore to quote me on xD</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The most popular author of self-insert Extraordinary fanfiction meets the Extraordinary he idolizes. What could go wrong???? "267, 654 words. Chapter 67 of? Tags: True Love, Pining, Gentle Shadow Star, Violence, Happy Ending, First Kiss, Maybe Some Smut if I Can Talk Myself into It, But Who Knows"</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr"> </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <strong>Stay Gold by Tobly McSmith</strong>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">When I say I cried for the last 50 pages of this book ;laksdjfasd;flkdsjfadsf</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I think...this was probably the first fiction book I read with a trans main character and I really didn't want anything bad to happen to him. It's idealistic but I wanted him to be happy and not traumatized in a fictional world, a ray of hope. I think the author wrote the bullying in a really impactful way that showed the truth of it without glorifying it. It's toward the end that the issues start and I don't think it's a spoiler to say that the issues are overcome. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This isn't an idealistic book, it's an honest one. There are really beautiful moments though and the beauty shines brighter than the moments of pain, but the pain really stuck with me. I really appreciated reading about all the small ways Pony had to struggle to claim his gender, all these tiny moments made significant. Yeah, this was definitely a book about struggle. But it was also about identity. It was about how hiding who you really are, even to yourself, can keep you from being happy (a theme for multiple characters, not just Pony).</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">BLURBS ARE HARD. I have such complicated feelings about this book but you'll note I gave it 5 stars on Goodreads and I fully stand by that, even if what I'm saying now sounds weirdly wishy washy. It's an incredibly well told story and I'm really happy to have read it. It's just! Hard! To put into words! Briefly! I'm also stressed by default when a book deals with hiding the truth even though I understand completely why Pony chose to hide his truth. (I had similar stress getting through The Falling in Love Montage.) If you think this review is ramble-y then you haven't read the title of this blog post so hush asl;kfjasdf I loved this book and if you're curious about the experience of being trans in high school, either from an outside perspective or for a perspective to relate to, this book is the perfect read.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr"> </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <strong>The Black Flamingo by Dean Atta</strong>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I had no idea this novel was in verse when I opened it. I read the first page thinking it was an introductory poem until I realized the whole book was written like that and I <em>loved </em>it. I actually reviewed this book on Goodreads the moment I finished it so if you want to read a sensible review, go <a class="blog-link-hashtag-color" href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3359118507"><span class="u">head over there</span></a>. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Man, there's something about poetry that says ten times more with ten times less words. That goes for this book and the style of my review. I forget how natural poetry is to me when I compare myself to really elegant and formal styles. Poetry is so free form. Why is that so easy to forget?</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">One thing I truly loved about this book was that Mike is very unassuming when he's offstage, which he is for most of the book. You can tell that he spends a lot of time thinking, especially since most of our window to him is through his poetry. It's a surprise when he performs in drag for the first time, to see the way his personality explodes out of him, all that poetry bursting free. Yet it makes so much sense for him to be that way. I just really enjoyed the way the character was portrayed. I could see everything so vividly in my mind. The words flowed so beautifully. It was a truly unique read that didn't feel like a unique read because the words are so easy to internalize.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">
      <strong>The Falling in Love Montage by Ciara Smyth</strong>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I just finished this like ten minutes ago and I spent most of the book thinking <em>how the hell can I properly sum up why you should read this book other than just telling someone to read it.</em> I remember seeing this quote once about novel writers having to write summaries of their books. "If I could summarize it, I wouldn't have written a whole novel." That's how I feel about this book. I don't think I can do it justice by condensing it into a few short sentences.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This is the second f/f book set in Ireland that I've read within a month. I thought that was so random l;kasjfdlsakdf the other was The Henna Wars by Adiba Jaigirdar. Thank you Ireland for f/f writers??? You guys are really out here writing great books.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">One sentence I kept trying to mold into something sensible to describe this as I was reading is "This book is so self aware of cliches that even when cliches happen they don't feel cliche" but I couldn't get over the fact that I had to say cliche three times in one sentence. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This is the indie lesbian romcom movie of your dreams, except it's a book. Complete with medical drama, a supposed female rake, a manic pixie dream girl, a stolen swan boat, and a grand gesture. Now to truly confuse you, I'll say that all of that happens and yet the entire book feels honest and raw in a way that will make you totally deny that it's stereotypical for even a second. Saoirse as a break-the-third-wall narrator is one more cliche to add the list, but the way her perspective shapes what we do and don't see of the story is done so exquisitely. If she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't. We skip forward. All loose ends are tied by the end though, so her avoidance is never annoying. Just relatable. With an agreement to start a relationship with a deadline, the whole book takes on a theme of permanence and if what we do matters if it doesn't last. Hilarious and heart-wrenching, I read this book in one sitting and couldn't even convince myself to pause for a cup of tea.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">HEY LOOK I DID IT. I DID A BLURB THAT I'M SATISFIED WITH afjasklasdfl;sadf</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Phew. I guess I had a one in four shot of one of these turning into a decent blurb als;dkfjasflksadf time to go post it across platforms. See you guys again soon with another round of rambles!</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. buckle up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm part of the LGBTQIA community and for years I was part of the problem because I didn't have any point of reference on gender identities at all. I definitely didn't understand the trans experience. It took <em>work.</em> It took research and compassion and energy for me to even start to understand how different the struggle of "T" is from the rest of LGBTQIA.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I thought I was fighting for all of us but ultimately I didn't understand then what I needed to be fighting for. We have to <em>listen.</em> Why is that so hard? Just shut up and listen when someone tells you they're in pain. Just listen. When you take time to really hear and understand, it's so easy to become an ally. A true ally.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It takes courage to look at yourself and admit what you know is wrong, that what you're <em>doing and saying</em> are wrong, and it takes more courage to grow from it. But it's worth it. <em>Everyone</em> grows up with inherent bias and everyone <em>can</em> grow beyond it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Start researching ways you can use your privilege to the advantage of people around you who are struggling. Find people who care and join forces. Keep talking. Keep learning. Keep growing.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The world doesn't stop changing so neither should we.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">When you truly understand what's wrong, it's so easy to help. Sitting on the sidelines of a movement because "it's hard" is willful ignorance. Of course fighting for a movement is hard, but choosing to join becomes so easy when you know why people are fighting.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">People are experiencing hatred just for existing. Can't you do them the slight favor of understanding why?</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I grew up passing. I'm white. Queerness isn't visible. I was never discriminated against, not blatantly at least, so I didn't understand that other LGBTQIA people had different experiences. What I did know was that Kurt in Glee got bullied for being gay so I had to be careful who I told.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I understood that the religious people in my life would hate me if they knew. And suddenly the comfort I used to find in the church turned into fear. Whenever I'm forced back into a church, I'm sure someone will know that I shouldn't be there. It paralyzes me thinking I could be outted at any second. That someone will have some sort of divinity moment and point to me and I'd be attacked. My privilege in life is that I only feel that way in church and it's only paranoia. Trans people, the BIPOC community, gender non conforming people, they go through that every second of their lives.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">"No pride for some of us without liberation for all of us." Marsha 'Pay it no mind' Johnson said that and it's unfortunately still a much needed battle cry nearly 3 decades later.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I didn't have any queer role models growing up. I grew up in a void without any context to understand why I was unhappy. I grew up crushing on boys I didn't really want to date and being told "you'll probably end up with a guy because you like romance movies so much" and no one was there to tell me that was wrong. Instead it made me feel like <em>I </em>was the one who was wrong. I had no examples of how to exist as a queer person so when people told me I wasn't, it was so tempting to believe them even if I knew they were wrong. Being bi or pansexual really helps you doubt yourself. (Though watching King Arthur in my dual credit English class and staring slack-jawed at Keira Knightely helped clear up some doubts. Thanks dual credit. You taught us way less than AP but hey, we watched movies that reaffirmed my queerness.)</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I kept stumbling across scraps and learning about myself. Learning about the world around me. What I maybe was, or what I wasn't, or what other people were. No one ever asks me to identify myself to them (another privilege) and if they did, I don't know that I'd have a clear answer for them. Pan? I guess? Nonbinary? I think so? Panromantic demisexual? Sure, but can't I just say queer? I had to teach myself that labels don't really matter as long as you feel happy. Labels make <em>other</em> people happy. Labels make people who don't understand you feel comfortable so they can fit you into a box and shove you out of their way. The flip side of that is that I had to learn to accept people who felt comfortable with labels and ideas of queerness that were different than mine. Labels like trans. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Gender is a silent predator until it rears its head. I didn't know the word 'dysphoria' in middle school. Like most uneducated queers, 'tomboy' was the blinder that kept me from understanding myself more. I have this tiny, fragment of a memory but I have no idea when it happened. I remember asking myself if I wanted to be a boy. And I remember telling myself no. The contrasting vibrant memory that's lodged into my brain is when I walked out of the girls' locker room in high school in baggy warm up pants and a hoodie, someone laughed and said "Oh my god, I thought that was a boy."</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Maybe it's because I had no context for trans identities still, or maybe it's because that's just not my identity. I remember being mad and then later understanding that what I felt was shame. I felt ashamed for not 'presenting correctly.' For not wearing makeup, for not wearing skirts, for not wearing my hair down. I felt <em>bad</em> for confusing people and I felt bad that my choices made them look at me strangely.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I started wearing makeup.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">In college, I fully embraced the femininity I'd been so repulsed by. I like it now, but I also like being able to take a step back and throw all the frills on the floor, and have leg hair, and wear baggy clothes, and generally not give a fuck. The thing with being assigned female at birth and toying with gender at all is that you're not automatically read as trans because of it. It's trendy for girls to wear men's clothes in stylish ways. It's 'butch' to wear men's clothes in sloppy ways. I still passed, no matter what I wore. I felt a very quiet dysphoria and I faced such a tiny amount of discrimination that I don't even connote the word to my experience.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Nothing I lived compares to the suffering of the trans, BIPOC, and gender non conforming people around me.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm angry that I've had to live through so many mistakes because I had no one in my life who could teach me to be better. I've said and thought things that I hate myself for. Things that the church taught me, that society taught me, that my <em>friends and family and movies and books and school and everything </em>taught me. I and so many other queers my age are so fucking grateful for Tumblr. It's the only queer safe space I've ever experienced. So no, I didn't have anyone who taught me to understand what it means to be queer or how to accept myself or others, I had to be that person for myself. It was and still is a slow process.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">As the only openly queer person around for most of my life, I found myself teaching others and that scares me because I'm worried I taught people the wrong things. I'm worried for all the moments I had to stand up for the trans community, but didn't know how to. I'm worried I still don't know how to. But I have to try, because trying is better than silence.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Media helps kids who don't have representation around them. I think Glee is really the only piece of media I knew about when I was learning about the LGBTQIA community that had an openly gay character. Everything else was queerbaiting or had enough queer coded moments that Tumblr latched onto them and we collectively decided to accept them as queer. Fanfiction and shipping practically exist so queer people can see themselves in the characters they love. I wasn't the type to go to parties. Fanfiction was my gay club. I needed that and I'm so glad I found a community of sorts that gave that to me. I don't know where I'd be without it. I really, truly don't. I'd be horribly uneducated still, I guess. So shout out to X-Men: First Class for Charles and Erik 100% being husbands and my friend Kate in high school who sent me memes until I asked her where she was finding them and she taught me about Tumblr.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I'm really sick of hatred and ignorance and I'm glad I'm alive during a time where that's all changing. So buckle up because the world is going to be a real different place when we're done with it.</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. essays: a seminar with Zaina Arafat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p>W O W.</p>
  <p>I signed up for this seminar on a whim. I had zero idea what to expect, I had a little anxiety, and I had a desire to support the arts in Austin through Austin Bat Cave. I'm so glad purchasing entry forced me to remember to attend. It was the motivation I needed to open myself back up to learning craft.</p>
  <p>I don't think you ever stop learning how to write. As you grow and change, your writing grows and changes with you and you have to constantly relearn how to write this new style that's emerging inside of you. A huge thanks again to Zaina Arafat for her time, her wisdom, her openness, and her kindness.</p>
  <p>You can learn more about her here. I also want to share her bio as a teaser of sorts: Zaina Arafat is an LGBTQ Palestinian American writer. Her stories and essays have appeared in publications including The New York Times, Granta, The Believer, Virginia Quarterly Review, TheWashington Post, The Atlantic, BuzzFeed, VICE, and NPR. She holds an MA in international affairs from Columbia University and an MFA from the University of Iowa and is a recipient of the Arab Women/Migrants from the Middle East fellowship at Jack Jones Literary Arts. She grew up between the United States and the Middle East and currently lives in Brooklyn.  </p>
  <p>Zaina shared prompts during the seminar and encouraged attendees to do two ten minute timed writings and then share with the others. Following are her prompts and my responses.      </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p>Prompt: Write about a place that has special meaning for you, without specifying what that place is. It can be as broad as Paris or as narrow as the kitchen table at your mother’s house. In writing about it, try and show why that place is special to you, and how it speaks to or reflects some aspect of your identity.      </p>
  <p>There’s something different about how the sun hits you through a window.  </p>
  <p>I grew up around skyscrapers and honking taxis, and though these buildings through the glass are less clustered they still remind me of home.  </p>
  <p>The microwave dings and I hurry to snatch my lunch out of it as my coworkers wait their turn around me.  </p>
  <p>As I settle in to eat, my definition of home expands: eating together at a big table, my own voice lost in the chatter, the aroma of various foods mixing pleasantly, people who care about me.  </p>
  <p>I never had a lunch break at my previous jobs, but if I did I know it wouldn’t feel like this room.  </p>
  <p>     </p>
  <p>[This was set in the break room at BookPeople! &lt;3]</p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p>Prompt: Describe a memory where you experienced or felt something you couldn't explain. Try and make sense of it/come to understanding through the process of reflecting and writing about it now. When re-creating the memory, think about using sensory details (sight, smell, taste, touch, sound) to bring us there and recreating it on the page. How does memory or your reflection on it speak to/shed light on some aspect of your identity?      </p>
  <p>My girlfriend told me she isn’t attracted to girls.  </p>
  <p>I’m a girl.  </p>
  <p>I didn’t understand her then and I don’t think I ever will. We’d been together for 3 months. She held me, she wiped away my tears, she told me I’m beautiful, she kissed me. But she isn’t attracted to girls.  </p>
  <p>Often, being vulnerable can feel like a two-way mirror. You let someone see you, but you can’t see them. A year later I realized that wasn’t the case at all. She let me see her, but she refused to see me. She let me take care of her. She let me hold her, she let me wipe away her tears, she let me tell her she’s beautiful, she let me kiss her. She let me love her. But she never loved me. She used the mirror artfully, reflecting my words of comfort back to me, but she kept me at a distance.  </p>
  <p>I saw a future in her eyes.  </p>
  <p>She saw convenience in mine.  </p>
  <p>When she was gone, it left a void.  </p>
  <p>When I was gone, she carried on.</p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. a non infinite amount of minutes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div><div class="classy">
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Salted caramel creaminess, the crunch of cold chocolate, the curve of the spoon as it slips out from between my lips… The senses have an unrivaled power to bring us back to the current moment, to our bodies.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’m eating ice cream as I try to prevent myself from refreshing my Google search for the 2020 election.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’m waiting for Trevor Noah to start his livestream in an hour.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And I’m wondering why I thought I’d be able to write something in between now and then. I had intended to set pen to paper and create something fictional but as these past few months have proven again and again, fear draws me to non fiction.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">There’s also power in sharing truth, in sharing personal facts in the middle of so much uncertainty. Stating my uncertainty as a certainty makes me feel strangely grounded.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Hm, my ice cream is half melted. Let me take a few quick bites.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I also took a sip of water, and now that voice in the back of my head that takes care of others is telling me it’d help my anxiety more if it was iced.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">...there are Mickey Mouse shaped ice cubes in my water bottle now and I’m thinking about my cousin who got laid off in Florida. How the happiest place on Earth will forever be tinged with bad memories for her. How joy was not just lost, but corrupted. Something so purely good, turned sour.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Another bite of ice cream.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’m glancing at the three bookshelves I built over the weekend, how much space there is to fill. I had the thought as I drove home from work today that I haven’t resigned a lease since I lived in LA. I’ve taken care to own as little as possible so I wouldn’t struggle every time I moved.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’m a homeowner now and that feels insane. It feels fake. It feels like a dream but it also feels like a nightmare. The permanence and stability are so foreign to me that my body is rejecting it. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">So much space to grow into.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">So much space on my bookshelves. I’m thinking of when it’s full, of all the memories that will go into each purchase, of picture frames I might display of special moments, of trinkets from around the world, of inside jokes, of author events, of family, of hope, of loss.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The shelves will be filled with the life I’m going to lead and I want it to be a beautiful one.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">My ice cream is just liquid now. I’ve tried to spoon it up, but it seems my only recourse is to sip it from the bowl.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The sugar is making me jittery… </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The empty bookshelf is glancing back at me. It seems to be daring me to live a life I’ll be proud of when it’s full. It’s not looming, it’s not menacing. It’s a beacon of hope. It’s a reminder that good will come, that bad will pass, that there’s sorrow and joy to be remembered. That life, and all its ups and downs, are something to celebrate everyday.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That the act of being alive, of thriving, is defiant.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That every breath is an honor.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That every tear is a miracle.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Bad and good, if such things can really be contained within simple words, will always be at war. Will always be balanced and imbalanced. Will always present in you as you curate them to do so. If you focus on your bad, it seeps through you and lashes out. If you focus on your good, it grows and shines from you.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">This is something I’ve known, something I became good at. It felt so silly at first, to compliment myself. It felt prideful to see my success. It felt arrogant to stand tall. But as I grew used to it, it healed me.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’ve forgotten how to do that, but I know at one point I excelled at it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">That internal battle to recognize good, to foster good, to become good. That internal battle to recognize the evils that have grown in you, how to live with them, how to tame them, how to coexist with them, how to transform them. That intimate battle we see behind our eyelids is projected onto the screen that is our nation.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Corrupted joy, distorted goodness, misplaced hatred, willful ignorance.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It’s naive of me to want to believe that the hatred we’ve been seeing is a corrupted version of goodness. That though it presents evil, the thoughts behind it have good intention. Ignorant intention, but good. Intention to help their families. Intention to be selfish enough to go after their own happiness. Intention to express freedom.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">But then that naivety flickers out and I force myself to acknowledge that what we’ve been experiencing is a dark time where people have discovered that they don’t have to fight their demons to uncover goodness. That they can let the evil grow and shine from them. Without punishment. Without consequences. In fact, they’ve discovered that they can let that evil grow and they can benefit from it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">They can witness or cause horrible atrocities and be forgiven. Or worse, celebrated.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And then I slip back into my naivety and wonder if this is the chapter of the book where evil reveals its plan so good can fight and defeat it.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Fight.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’ve run out of ice cream.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It’s just jitters and sips of water now.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">A lot of people assume, when they find out I’ve trained in boxing, that I’m comfortable with the idea of fighting. They assume I’ve fought people, that I’ve hurt people and been hurt.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I haven’t. I trained, but I never competed.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I have this problem where I stop breathing when I get really focused. My coach would always have to remind me to breathe between shouting combinations for me to punch into his mitts. I was in a sparring match once, it was outside, on a basketball court. The headgear always made me claustrophobic. I hated the way it cut off my peripheral vision. And then my opponent, crowding me. Intentionally trying to hide moves from me.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I don’t remember when my breathing stopped. I just remember wandering off the court and hugging my knees to my chest. It wasn’t even the punches that scared me. It was the way my senses were overwhelmed, blocked, tricked. The way I couldn’t trust what I was seeing. The way I logically knew if I wanted to control the situation, I had to fight back. I had to overwhelm my opponent. I had to do to him what he had done to me.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I couldn’t.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Yet I felt ashamed as tears ran uncontrollably down my face, as my breathing tore rapidly through me, choking me. My most vivid memory from that day isn’t the fear during the match, it’s the shame that I couldn’t keep up, that I couldn’t fight back.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I always wonder whether that’s a skill or a flaw.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Pacifism is hailed as good.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Fighting back is hailed as heroic.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">0.1% gained back since I last checked. Georgia is fighting back. I feel grateful that someone is fighting back. I feel proud. I feel relieved.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I try to remind myself that I have fought back, in many ways, throughout my life. It never feels like enough. I don’t know that it will ever feel like enough.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I struggle to bring myself to fight back in ways that are anything less than comforting. And I know the influence of those kinds of actions are weak when it comes to politics, but tending to people’s hearts is strong. It’s slow, but it’s steady.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Of course, that doesn’t stop me from pushing myself out of my comfort zone and learning how to be louder and more brazen to help fight these fights.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It’s just that when I see a battle to be won, I don’t even consider a sword as I grab my pen.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">The pen isn’t going to be enough, but it’s a drop in the bucket. It’s a ripple that will grow within me, and maybe within someone else.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I washed out my bowl and thought about half empty glasses, destruction that leads to new beginnings, how water is healing.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Another sip of water.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Being present is difficult. There’s always been pain, but we have the internet now. I imagine being inundated with thoughts and pain on social media is a lot like how it would feel to be telepathic in those moments where their powers start for the first time when they’re in a crowd, how they struggle to disentangle their own thoughts from the thoughts of others, how oppressive all the emotions are when they can barely cope with their own.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">I’m repulsed by people dumping their emotions on me without permission. I used to live for it. I used to love being trusted with intimate knowledge, helping someone to understand their pain though I had no qualifications to do so. I had so much emotional energy to share.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Now when someone dumps something on me without warning, I go completely numb. I smile tightly. I say something that probably comes off as offensive because I just can’t access my empathy, the floodgates slammed shut to protect me.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">It’s an entirely different experience when I take a breath and listen. It’s rare now when I find the energy to be able to do this, but it’s beautiful. It’s something I’m working on healing within myself. Trauma presents in so many ways and losing my ability to listen to others has changed me so viscerally that I barely recognize myself.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Slow trust, intentional one on one time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And election results don’t happen over two nights.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Another 0.1%. Come on, Georgia.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">Fifteen minutes until Trevor Noah now. </span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">A non-infinite amount of minutes until the results.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">A non-infinite amount of minutes until hope spreads through this country.</span>
  </p>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">And then this moment will be a memory to put on a shelf.</span>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <p>
      
    </p>
  </div>
  <p class="XzvDs ljrnk blog-post-text-font blog-post-text-color ljrnk public-DraftStyleDefault-block-depth0 public-DraftStyleDefault-text-ltr">
    <span class="vkIF2 public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr">(EDIT: it looks like i misunderstood and :((((( there's no live trevor noah tonight)</span>
  </p>
</div><div class="lulo">
  <p>♡ ♡ ♡</p>
</div>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>